0x7D5 July 0xE:

Look, if you're just going to ignore memos that clearly come in labeled "IMPORTANT" and "CONFIDENTIAL" with genuine fake handwriting scrawled across the fool's gold leaf crest on the overleaf, why are you even bothering to show up to the Secretariatry meetings? I mean, it's not like we demand that much of our minions; for example, our brain implants displace less than half of the right temporal lobe, while most pranking syndicates require at least two thirds of a lobe to be occupied by their control devices and ettiquette postnodes, we permit our employees up to three one-minute personal phone calls at their home on off-duty hours, we allow the retention of the entire left kidney by health plan participants with a credit rating of gold or higher, we let you have six hours of sleep a week, and after fifty years' employment, your soul and identity documentation may be retrieved from our vaults.

Really, you don't understand how much we bend over backward to support our effective community teams, even to the point of sacrificing the bottom line for employee good. Why, when the recession got bad last week, where the competition was laying off their security personnel and purchasing robots, did Our Vice President in Charge of Efficiency call RoboCorp, grovel out an apology for sneezing on his cufflinks, and lay in a purchase order for the sixteen automated pain production devices that the accountancy division recommended? No, he stuck by his guns and his personal hatred for the neatly manicured campus of RoboCorp, and actually laid on three addition human employees. Who, I might add, were selected in large part on charitable grounds; few other companies are willing to give a prison guard an eighth chance after conviction for inappropriate sexual conduct, abuse of inmates, and voluntary manslaughter, and most of those who would would force the poor men to abandon their life's work and learn a new career that did not require them to carry a taser and a semi-automatic machine pistol. Or what about the time when, hearing of the escalating drug-related gang violence in his hometown, our Vice President in Charge of Acquisition risked public censure and legal action and hired private specialists to eliminate the loitering problem? Need I remind you that he was fined fifty thousand dollars of the company's money for failing to abide by recommended standards for the use of lethal force, which it was necessary to deduct from the company's taxes as a business expense in a line-item that could have otherwise gone to the civic beautification program, wherein we, out of the goodness of our corporate heart, devote our hard-earned money to the demolishment of drug-riddled playgrounds and the construction of uplifting, attractive statues of men that the youth can look up to as examples of leadership, such as Our Chief Executive Officer?

While we are on the topic of leadership, don't you think that you should strive to emulate the example of Our Chief Executive Officer, whose unshakable loyalty to His employees is such that He has permitted them to remain in positions of power despite criminal investigations that, in a less people-oriented corporation, would have undoubtably led to reduction of privileges. Why, when Our Director of Marketing was wrongly accused of fraud by shortsighted and smallminded government officials envious of His position, rather than display distrust, Our Chief Executive Officer trebled his pay, relocated Him to a lovely tropical isle, and transferred the Audible Products division to His personal control. Now, while we make allowances for the fact that Our Workers are of a lower moral standard than Management, as exemplified by their consistant failure to earn promotion or maintain a reasonable level of annual productivity increase; however, that does not mean that We do not expect you to at comport yourself with a proper level of gratitude for the fact that we continue to employ you, in spite of the fact that you currently are in severe debt to the Company for use of conditioned air, work-related depreciation of facilities, and projected loss of productivity increase caused by your consistant failure to meet our quotas for continued improvement.


Nova Whorl from on 0x7D5 July 0x10:
Public censure? Legal action? I think those things used to happen, back, like, when my daddy was just a baby. Grandpa told me and my sister a long, long story about how those things, plus this thing called journalism I don't understand very well, it's not in the encyclopedia, do you know what that word means? I think it had something to do with reading about stuff that happened to people who were more important than you, on paper yet! Quaintorius! Or if you died really horribly in like a mass murder by a cult or something you would get to be important enough to be journalismed.

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