0x7D3 August 0x12

For immediate release

White House Office of Strategic Data

Weekly terror threat briefing

First off, let me begin by reminding you all why we're here today, we're here... because, because the terror threat level has been raised to, to pale mow-oov, and we think, I think that the people, the American people, have a right to know what's going on.

And what's going on is, we're winning. And the, certain people, don't want you to know that, want you to think we're losing. But we're not. We're winning in Afghanistan. We're winning in Iraq. We're winning at home, with the new ID program to help us, help us catch the criminals, criminals and the terrorists, who threaten our homeland. We're winning everywhere we go. We're winning in the Fillipians. We're winning in Columbia. We're winning in Quebec. *audience chuckles nervously*.

And we've been winning, and our enemies are- we're winning. And they don't like it, they don't want us to win. So we, we have to be on our guard, or they'll try to do something. And we're on our guard. We're on our guard in the schools, on our guard in, in the gym lockers, in the lunchrooms, against those who would hurt our children.

And... I won't lie to you, to the American people... it will be hard. And, and sometimes part of what we have to do is, we have to get them before they get us. That's what security means, keeping us safe even when it's hard. And they're losing, and that means they're getting desperate, that's what it means. So they'll be trying to attack us, hurt us and our allies again, scare us. We have people, friends that report this to us, when they know our enemies are up to something.

So, what this means is, that we know they're up to something. And there are some people, people who just won't cooperate with us on protecting you. They just let our enemies set up terrorist training camps, recruit people, try to use terror against us, try to divide us.

And one of them, is a country that's been supporting terror for a long time, that's been helping terrorists like bin Laden plan new attacks, attacks that could use biological or nuclear weapons, is still helping him.

I have reports, good reports, from people I trust, that Al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein were, still are, planning a new attack against me, against the United States. And they, you've seen the pictures Karl gave out, they have a new weapon, a weapon of mass destruction.

*pause while reporters look at papers*

Mr. President. Sir?

Yes? I don't remember seeing you at the briefings before, miss...?

Yes, uh, I have a question. I'm not that good at science, but this looks really bad. How do the spores turn people into apes?

Monkeys, not apes.

Sorry, sir. But my ques-

Just a minute. You there, in the blue.

Mr. President, could you tell me where they got this technology? It seems to advanced for them to have made on their own.

Yes, yes it does, and thank you for bringing that up. Now, the enemy, they have been getting help from evil dictators for a long time, and they work with other terror groups, groups that we don't always see in the news. And one of these other groups developed it, with the help of the Tibetan government, help at the highest levels.

What are your plans for dealing with them?

I, I always think we need to be firm, be strong. I already demanded that they hand over the terror groups to us, and they just lied, said the people we asked for are not a terror threat. We have good reports that the people we want are a threat, a danger, and I'm sick of their lies!

Mr. President. What terrorists are they currently harboring?

Well, I don't rightly know *ALL* of their names.

*the audience titters nervously*

But, but I do know the main ones, the ones we've got to have. And they are, they are Sodom Hussein. And, and his grandson, and Osama bin Laden, and Golobulus.

We haven't heard much about Saddam's grandson or this Golobulus person. Can you tell us what they've done or attempted to do?

Well, Sodom has been molding his grandson all his life, even more than his sons. He's a little monster, even at fourteen. If you'll look at the photo Karl is handing out, the porn photo, *more nervous giggles*, you'll see what Sodom Junior does.

Mr. President, are you sure that this picture is OK to print? It's very, er, bloody.

Yes, I'm sure. Sure it'll scare people, but they need to know, know what these people do.

And Golobyu... whatever. What sort of monster is he?

Well, he recently took over, took command of Cobra. And that's a well-known terror group. And their old commander, has quit, has volunteered to inform on them for us. And he says that they have a gas, a spore that reverses evolution... now, I don't believe in that fancy science, but I do believe in what I see. And what I see is, is that gas turns people into monkeys.

Mr. President. Where does Tibet come into this?

Well, you all know the IAO, darpa. And they do some great things, some things that help us stop terror. And one of those things was a market, a market to help predict terror. And it's clear, really clear now, that Golobulus's base is in Tibet. And since Tibet keeps lying, we asked China about it, China is our friend and they told us to go ask the ruler of Tibet, and that ruler, the Dalai Lama, says that Cobra is not really a terrorist organization. And they are, so we're massing troops, moving soldiers into manayar, whatever that place is called, they're our friends, and they're going to let us use their bases to strike, to liberate Tibet.


Naja haje on 0x7D3 August 0x13:
May my friends the cobras spread their hoods in solidarity! With the aid of the Yeti freedom frighters, we shall liberate the world!


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